So, for the fourth year running, I am pleased to bring you more stolen IT jokes

When I started searching for some more (printable!) IT jokes that I could use instead of doing something serious for the blog, I had a minor twinge of annoyance when I saw my version of the wifi joke (see 2014 jokes) showing up in Google with no credit for the source! What a liberty! You can see all the previous years’ jokes at the links below:

2013 – IT Jokes
2014 – More IT Jokes
2015 – IT Jokes Again

….anyway, I’m not stealing these jokes – I’m curating them.

Waffle IronThere was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “Great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Computer Programmer: a machine that turns coffee into code

Q: What do you call a computer expert?
A: A control-alt-elite

Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle. He opens it and a Genie appears. The Genie says “I have been trapped for 1000 years. As a reward you can make a wish”. Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Middle East. “This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of years. What I wish for is peace in the Middle East”. The Genie replies “I don’t know. I can do a lot, but this is really tough. Don’t you have another wish?” Bill Gates thinks and finally says “OK. The whole world hates Microsoft because we have conquered the software market and because Windows 10 installs updates every five minutes whether we want them or not and whether it is convenient or not. Can you make everybody love us”? The Genie replies “Let me see that map again.”

HotlineOnce upon a time, a computer programmer drowned at sea. Many were on the beach and heard him cry “F1! F1!”, but no one went to his aid.

John took Mary out for a romantic dinner, where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. John had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was still studying and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling John they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer. During dessert, John suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she had collected herself, she looked up and said “Well, don’t you have something to ask me?” John got down on bended knee. “Darling,” he said, “Will you buy me a new computer?”

Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert:
Novice Users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer
Intermediate Users: people who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it
Expert Users: people who break other people’s computers

Imaginary FriendMy software doesn’t have bugs – just undocumented features.

A Mac user walked into the computer repair shop with his broken Macbook. He looked at the stack of them on the shelves and said, ‘What’s that, Broke Mac Mountain?’

There are only two kinds of computer. New and obsolete.

Tech Support: What does it say on-screen now?
Customer: “Hit Enter when ready”
Tech Support: “Well?”
Customer: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25.

Q: What do you call a computer that takes 15 minutes to start, freezes if you try to do more than one thing at a time, crashes regularly and causes you to swear under your breath throughout the day?
A: Cutting edge.

There Must Be A Better Way To Log OffSmash forehead on keyboard to continue…

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

What goes ‘choo choo choo’ while online? Thomas the Search Engine.

© 2011-2019 David Leonard
Computer Support in London
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