.. and so, without further ado, here they are:
Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.
I love pressing F5 – it’s so refreshing.
How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and one to not change it.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labour.
I’m not interrupting you, I’m putting our conversation into full-duplex mode.
A doctor, a civil engineer and a computer programmer are discussing whose profession is the oldest.
“Surely medicine is the oldest profession,” says the doctor, “God took a rib from Adam and created Eve and if this isn’t medicine I don’t know what it is”.
The civil engineer breaks in:
“But before that He created the heavens and the earth from chaos. Now that’s civil engineering”.
The programmer thinks a bit and then says:
“And who do you think created chaos?”
The guy who invented predictive text died last night. – his funfair is next monkey.
The guy who invented auto-correct died today – restaurant in peace.
What do you call an iPhone that isn’t joking? Sirious.
The closest I’ve ever been to a diet is erasing food searches from my browser history.
Behind every successful student there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Man: Siri, call my wife.
Siri: Susan McNaughton is not in your contacts.
Man: Susan Jameson is my wife.
Siri: I’ve added Susan Jameson as your wife.
Man: Call my wife.
Siri: Which wife?
What do Facebook employees do to waste their time at work?
Someone guessed my password. Now I suppose I had better rename the cat.
Algorithm (noun): word used by computer programmers when they can’t be bothered trying to explain what they do
Waiting for a bus one cold morning, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. As an IT Consultant, I know a case of typothermia when I see one.
Can 3D printers make ink cartridges for 2D printers?