IT jokes

Oh no, not more IT jokes

Dec 232017

.. and so, without further ado, here they are:

Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

I love pressing F5 – it’s so refreshing.

How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and one to not change it.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labour.

I’m not interrupting you, I’m putting our conversation into full-duplex mode.

A doctor, a civil engineer and a computer programmer are discussing whose profession is the oldest.
“Surely medicine is the oldest profession,” says the doctor, “God took a rib from Adam and created Eve and if this isn’t medicine I don’t know what it is”.
The civil engineer breaks in:
“But before that He created the heavens and the earth from chaos. Now that’s civil engineering”.
The programmer thinks a bit and then says:
“And who do you think created chaos?”

The guy who invented predictive text died last night. – his funfair is next monkey.

The guy who invented auto-correct died today – restaurant in peace.

What do you call an iPhone that isn’t joking? Sirious.

The closest I’ve ever been to a diet is erasing food searches from my browser history.

Behind every successful student there is a deactivated Facebook account.

Man: Siri, call my wife.
Siri: Susan McNaughton is not in your contacts.
Man: Susan Jameson is my wife.
Siri: I’ve added Susan Jameson as your wife.
Man: Call my wife.
Siri: Which wife?

What do Facebook employees do to waste their time at work?

Toe tag Someone guessed my password. Now I suppose I had better rename the cat.

Algorithm (noun): word used by computer programmers when they can’t be bothered trying to explain what they do

Waiting for a bus one cold morning, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. As an IT Consultant, I know a case of typothermia when I see one.

Can 3D printers make ink cartridges for 2D printers?

Previous years’ grand thefts of other people’s jokes can be found at:

2016 – And yet more IT jokes
2015 – IT jokes again
2014 – More IT jokes
2013 – IT jokes

... and yet more IT Jokes

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Dec 242016

So, for the fourth year running, I am pleased to bring you more stolen IT jokes

When I started searching for some more (printable!) IT jokes that I could use instead of doing something serious for the blog, I had a minor twinge of annoyance when I saw my version of the wifi joke (see 2014 jokes) showing up in Google with no credit for the source! What a liberty! You can see all the previous years’ jokes at the links below:

2013 – IT Jokes
2014 – More IT Jokes
2015 – IT Jokes Again

….anyway, I’m not stealing these jokes – I’m curating them.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “Great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Computer Programmer: a machine that turns coffee into code

Q: What do you call a computer expert?
A: A control-alt-elite

Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle. He opens it and a Genie appears. The Genie says “I have been trapped for 1000 years. As a reward you can make a wish”. Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Middle East. “This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of years. What I wish for is peace in the Middle East”. The Genie replies “I don’t know. I can do a lot, but this is really tough. Don’t you have another wish?” Bill Gates thinks and finally says “OK. The whole world hates Microsoft because we have conquered the software market and because Windows 10 installs updates every five minutes whether we want them or not and whether it is convenient or not. Can you make everybody love us”? The Genie replies “Let me see that map again.”

Hotline Once upon a time, a computer programmer drowned at sea. Many were on the beach and heard him cry “F1! F1!”, but no one went to his aid.

John took Mary out for a romantic dinner, where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. John had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was still studying and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling John they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer. During dessert, John suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she had collected herself, she looked up and said “Well, don’t you have something to ask me?” John got down on bended knee. “Darling,” he said, “Will you buy me a new computer?”

Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert:
Novice Users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer
Intermediate Users: people who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it
Expert Users: people who break other people’s computers

My software doesn’t have bugs – just undocumented features.

A Mac user walked into the computer repair shop with his broken Macbook. He looked at the stack of them on the shelves and said, ‘What’s that, Broke Mac Mountain?’

There are only two kinds of computer. New and obsolete.

Tech Support: What does it say on-screen now?
Customer: “Hit Enter when ready”
Tech Support: “Well?”
Customer: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25.

Q: What do you call a computer that takes 15 minutes to start, freezes if you try to do more than one thing at a time, crashes regularly and causes you to swear under your breath throughout the day?
A: Cutting edge.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

What goes ‘choo choo choo’ while online? Thomas the Search Engine.

IT Jokes (again)

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Dec 192015

Coming up for Christmas, and my brain is ready for a break

After a couple of one-offs, I began this weekly blog on the 5th November 2010. That’s over five years ago and I haven’t missed a single week since then. I schedule the blog for publication (by Google’s Feedburner) at 12:30pm on a Saturday. A big “thank you” to Google, who have done an almost perfect job in publishing it within an hour or two of that time. I think there have only been a couple of times that it somehow got missed by them until the following day.

Anyway, the reason for publication at 12:30 on a Saturday is that this gives me Saturday morning to write it if there’s been no time during the preceding week. Although it gets done in a little less time these days, I allow 3.5hrs per blog and aim to write 500-1000 words. This year I’ve noticed myself writing it more and more often on a Saturday and the time has now come to acknowledge the growing pressure. So, I’m going to have two weeks off and will re-commence publication on 9th January. I thought of reducing it to once a month, but if I keep my wits about me I think I should be able to publish once a fortnight next year, so that’s the plan.

Have a good break and thank you for reading my blog.

No argument about it – I stole these jokes from the internet. I hope at least one or two of them will give you a smile.

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More IT Jokes

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Dec 272014

I think my brain needs some temporary files removing, and then a defrag

I’ve tried re-booting it with coffee twice this morning but it keeps on freezing. The problem with Christmas Day falling on a Thursday is that there’s only Boxing Day left to get the brain working well enough to write a blog for Saturday. Since the coffee’s not working – and rather than admit defeat entirely – I’ve decided to cheat, so I’ve been hunting around for some more IT jokes. None are mine. All are stolen. But I now get another seven days to get my own internal hard drive back in working order before the next blog is due.

Computer Support: Double click on “My Computer”.
User: I can’t see your computer…
Computer Support: No… click on “My Computer” on your computer.
User: How am I supposed to click on your computer from my computer?!
Computer Support: There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer… double click on it…
User: What on earth is your computer doing on my computer?

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. “No thanks, I’m travelling light.”

If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0.

I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will tell me “Your password is incorrect”.

Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Aren’t you all forgetting something?

A customer walks into PC World – “I’m looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics. Something really challenging.”
“Well,” replied the salesman, “have you tried Windows 8?”

How do you keep a computer programmer in the shower all day? Give him a bottle of shampoo with the instructions “lather, rinse, repeat.”

Existentialist: I keep hitting “escape”, but I’m still here.

A computer program will do what you tell it to do. Sometimes that’s the same as what you want it to do.

User: My computer is reporting a fatal error!
Customer Support: Well there’s nothing we can do now, you should have called us when it was still critical!

What is a cursor? Someone having computer problems

At least I’ve not repeated the stolen jokes I used this time last year (except the wifi cartoon).

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Dec 282013

It’s not as easy as you might think, finding funny jokes about Information Technology

Maybe it’s because it’s a very dull and tedious subject, populated by dull and tedious people. Oh well, never mind. At least pinching other people’s jokes has given my brain a bit of a rest this week.

Q: How many IT Consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: it’s obviously a hardware problem.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

A man flying a hot air balloon realises that he is lost. He reduces height and shouts to a man below to get some directions:
“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
“Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above a field” replies the man below.
“You must work in Information Technology” says the balloonist.
“Yes. I do. How did you know?” asks the man.
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.”
“You must work in management” replies the man below.
“I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were in before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

An IT Support Consultant goes to a firing range. He shoots ten bullets at the target. The supervisor checks the target and sees that not one bullet hit the target. He shouts back to the IT Consultant that he missed completely. The consultant asks him to check the result and gets the same answer. The consultant then aims the gun at his finger and shoots, blasting it off. He shouts back, ‘It’s working fine here! The problem must be at your end!’

HR manager to job candidate: “Hm, I see you’ve had no computer training, so you are qualified for upper management but not for our entry level positions.”

Q: Where do you go if you become ‘at one’ with your computer?
A: Nerdvana.

Q: What’s the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A: The car salesman can probably drive.

Q: What’s the definition of an IT professional?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

Four engineers get in a car. The car won’t start.
“Starter motor’s gone”, says the mechanical engineer.
“Dead battery”, says the electrical engineer.
“Muck in the petrol”, says the chemical engineer.
“Let’s all get out and get back in again”, says the IT engineer.